Monday, September 17, 2012

He did it

He did it!
He finally did it!!

He went to school today without a single tear.
Not one!

This momma could finally breathe today.
I am always SO thankful to God for answering the prayers of my heart.
But especially so when they involve the little people who have stolen my heart!

Thursday, September 13, 2012

A corner and a setback

Well friends, I think we may have turned a corner just in time for a setback.

Yes it's true.
Collin is enjoying school a little more each day.
The only tears he sheds are at the initial goodbye in the morning.
He is fine once walking into his classroom and enjoys his friends all day long.
Serious relief.
Praise you Jesus.

But, like I said, there's been a setback.
The boy has strep throat.
Strep! Throat!

What in this world?!
We've been in school a week!

Ugh, serious disappointment!

He was out of school today and will be out again tomorrow (per doctor's orders).
Praying like a warrior that come Monday he is ready to meet back up with his kindergarten friends!

Miracles happen, so momma's gonna keep on praying and believin!

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Day by Day

Sweet mercy.
This week has been a doozy.
I'm pretty sure I've aged 10-15 years in the last 2-3 days.

Collin had an awful day at school yesterday.
Every time I saw him he was crying.
So. pitiful.
He would beg me to take him home.
Tell me he was scared.
Stab in the heart and kick me in the stomach.

I probably shed as many or more tears than he did.
Issues, I know.

I'm a teacher.
A first grade teacher at that.
Every year I have criers.
Every year I reassure parents that "it will all be just fine in a week or two".
Then my child is suddenly the crier and I am too?
I really can't say I'm surprised.
When it comes to my kids my heart is tender as can be.
Horrible feeling to know he was having such anxiety.

I actually began to avoid him.  
In fact at one point I came out of the staff bathroom and saw him feet away so I hid in the janitor's closet.
No joke.

I snuck out and took the long way around only to run into him on the other side.
Oh hello Collin, hello waterworks.
You see why I aged?

Apparently after lunch he did great!
No tears and all was well.
Music to my ears and a bandage to my heart.

Last night brought more tears although it wasn't as bad as the night before.
This morning he gave me a run for my money before school.
I literally was at my wits end.
I was feeling terribly sad, trying to be comforting and yet feeling equally frustrated all at once.
We got to school and he was fine.

Every time I saw him today he smiled, waved and all without tears!
Miracles happen.
God hears prayers.
All of them.
Even the ones about kindergarten tears.

The first time I saw him he was coming in from recess.
This is part of what was giving him such anxiety.
He smiled, waved and said "see ya after school mom".
Y'all I could have cried right there.
Proud momma.

Then to top it off, the recess aide comes in and says
"you should be so proud of Collin".
Apparently he was paired up as buddies with another little boy who was having a tear filled day.
Collin walked over to his new friend and said...
"it's ok, I couldn't stop crying yesterday because I wanted to see my mom but you will see her after school".


My sweet baby is spreading his wings a little more each day.
He still isn't all excited about school but I'm praying that happens over time.
He had a little anxiety tonight at bath time but it was less than even last night.
He stayed in bed without a fight and was sleeping within minutes.

Have we turned a corner?
Let's pray we stay on track people!!

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

He's a school boy

It's official.  We have a kindergartner in our house!
 Collin and his friend Keaton, all ready for school
My handsome boy

Sitting at his kindergarten seat

Whew, day one is done.
It started out wonderfully.
Collin woke up excited and ready to rock!
We got to school and he didn't seem a bit nervous.
Walked right in to his class ready for kindergarten!

I walked away with tears.  
Can't help it, I'm his mom!!  ;)

Fast forward to first recess.
Kindergarten, first and second grade go out together at the same time.  I decided to go as the teacher on duty along with the recess aides.  I found Collin and he seemed to be happy and was enjoying school!  I introduced him to a few of my students and all was well. Then it started raining.  
Which soon was a downpour.
Some kids were lining up, some were running for cover.
It was a bit chaotic.
Collin was unsure of where to go and how to find his class.
I walked in ahead of him thinking he was all set and when he finally reach the school doors I could tell he was afraid.  
I asked him what was wrong and he just started to cry.
Poor buddy was separated from his class.
All I keep picturing is his wet body and his sad face.

Break. my. heart.

Apparently he did fantastic in the room but would cry anytime then left to go to lunch/recess/gym.
Makes me feel so sad that he was so nervous and unsure.

I asked him after school how it went and he said "I wasn't crying, I was just yawning and my eyes were watery".  Bless his heart.

Ryan brought Madelyn up at the end of the day and she sat in room while I situated my kids into bus lines.  As I was calling names Madelyn kept calling "mommy, mommy".  I finally paused to see what she needed and she asked "can I go on that bus?"  She would have just taken off no doubt about it.  Well maybe until she realized I wouldn't be going.  :)

Later in the night Collin confessed that he is "so nervous when I can't find my teacher".  He's nervous anytime she isn't around for fear he will "get lost".  It is a big school with lots of commotion.  I forget how scary it can be for a little guy.

We talked about it and I put him to bed thinking all was well.
Not long before he was down here crying that he didn't want to go to school anymore.  
I'm a teacher.
I tell parents every year "it's normal, they'll be fine"
and yet now that it's Collin it just breaks my heart.
I laid in bed with him and worked on reassuring him until 9:30!!
We talked about how even when his teacher isn't there God always is.  We prayed and asked God to take care of him.  I quietly begged God to cover Collin with blanket of peace.

I'm hoping tomorrow is better.
That each new day will be a little easier.
He'll be a little more comfortable.
He'll make friends.
School will be a safe place.

This is hard on a momma's heart!
Letting go isn't all it's cracked up to be!!
I wish we could rewind 5 years and live it all over again.
But we can't.
We won't.
We are here.
And God has big things planned for our Collin.
His momma's gonna pray him through it.
Will you join me?!

Monday, September 3, 2012

Twas the night before kindergarten

The night before kindergarten is exciting and fun.
There are always so many things to be done!

Your clothes are ready, your backpack is too.
Your classroom is full of fun things you'll do.

Get ready, get set, cause it's almost time.
Our sweet bug Collin we know you will shine!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

A miracle in my own backyard

Bringing faith to life.
God can bring it to life for you.
Just ask him to make himself real.
To show himself to you.
He will.
I promise.

  God continues to use this story over and over again in my life as he tirelessly and lovingly mends an area in my life which most cripples me ...
unrelenting fear.

I feel as though words failed me as there is no possible way to capture the magnitude of God's goodness within the written word but if you feel even a spark of the awe I felt then I trust you will be blessed...

Today I witnessed a miracle.
It happened in my own backyard.

My heart is simply in awe of it all...

Let's rewind a few days.

Last week my former youth pastor suddenly passed away at the young age of 54.  He left behind 5 children and a loving wife.  
It was shocking.
My heart has just been aching for his family.
I rejoice for Pastor Hall.
His faith instantly became sight.
He went to sleep in his home, and he woke up in glory.
I can hardly imagine...

His sudden passing put my mind in a tailspin.
Such a reminder of how fragile life is.
It can end at any moment.
Only God knows the hour.
I don't worry about my own life being whisked away.
I know I will rise to meet my savior.
But I don't want to be left behind.

I spent the week mourning for Pastor Hall's family.
Praying for God's mercy to be showered upon them.

As I sat as his funeral on Saturday I was in awe of his children as they spoke and sang and worshipped the King of Kings.
They truly turned eyes toward heaven.

My stomach churned a little as I thought about myself in their very shoes.
What if it were my dad.
My mom.
My brother.
My husband.
Worst of all, my children.

Satan wrapped himself around that last awful thought and he ran away with it.  I was along for the unfortunate ride.

As the devil shouted lies and crippled me with fear God whispered ever so gently... It's not up to you...

I came home and my children were playing outside.
I changed clothes and took a quiet moment.
 I sat on my living room couch and asked Jesus to meet me right there.
I gazed through the open windows and listened to their squeals of joy as they played in this area of dirt which has been their favorite play place for the past week or so.
"Such carefree innocence" I thought to myself.

As I watched them dig I prayed out loud.
I asked God to whisper truth into my heart.
My cheeks were wet with tears as I asked that he would untangled my heart from the web of fear that Satan had bound me in.  
I spoke these words...

"Lord I know these babies are yours.  They were yours before they were mine.  Their very life is your hands.  Each breath that they take in is because of you.  You know the exact words that will make their life story.  I can protect them from many things, but you oh Lord are in control of their destiny.  I pray your protection over them.  Please Lord, protect my babies from that which I have no control over...."

I felt His presence.
He was in this place.
He met me right here.

Fast forward to this morning...

Collin asked to play out in the yard.
Ryan and I both said "no", figuring we would wait for it to warm up a bit.
Collin promised he wouldn't be too cold and I actually thought about letting him go out but then decided he should just wait.

Not long after he screamed for Ryan from the kitchen.
We came in to find this....

Collin had watched as an enormous tree from our neighbors yard had collapsed into our yard.
But not just in our yard.
It completely COVERED the dirt where my children wanted to be.
The very place that they sat while I prayed over them on Saturday.

Ryan's first words...
"If they had been out there, it would have killed them instantly, that log weighs more than a car..."

At first I felt sick.
I even said it out loud "I feel sick"
My knees grew weak.
My body shook as I thought about the "what ifs".

Tears welled up in my eyes and it is then that
God quickly met me right here in my kitchen.

They weren't out there.

IF my kids had been in the dirt, there would have been tragedy.
But my kids WEREN'T there.
They wanted to be.
But there weren't.

It wasn't because it was cold.
It wasn't because I said no.
It was because God's hand of protection was covering them.
They are always being held in the palm of his nail scarred hands.
Held by the very God who spins the earth.
He foresaw the danger that we didn't know was in our own yard.
HE protected them.

I wept.
Literally wept.
Not because of what "could have been" but because He did it all for me.
He let the tree fall for me.

It is no coincidence that my children sat in that very spot as I prayed over them and their lives on Saturday asking God to untangle my heart from gripping fear over that which I have no control... my children's destiny. 
It is no coincidence that I asked God to speak truth into my heart as my children were elbow deep in that very dirt.
No coincidence.
It was miraculous.

No coincidence that it was a tree.

Genesis 2:9
 The LORD God made all kinds of trees grow out of the ground—trees that were pleasing to the eye and good for food. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

The tree of life.
The life that I have no control over.
The life that God controls.

The tree of the knowledge of good and evil.
Remember how I asked God to speak truth to me so I would recognize Satan's lies.

He used the tree.
It fell for me.

We weren't "lucky" that Collin and Madelyn were inside today.
We were protected, by the God who controls it all.
Our every breath.

Each time Satan tempts me to worry for my children's future I will be vividly reminded of the enormous tree.
Reminded of the tree of life, and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil.

God did it for me.
He protected my children.
But He let the tree fall for me.
He knew they wouldn't be out there.
But He knew I needed to see it.

He knew.
He knows.
He always knows.
He is faithful.
He is in control.
We can trust Him.
I trust Him.
Do you?