National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Day.  A day set aside to remember all of those babies who wait for us in heaven.  Each of those babies has a story, including ours...


Ryan and I decided to expand our family a year after we got married.  We conceived within the first two months!  We were elated, to say the least.  We heard the baby's heartbeat, saw it on ultrasound, framed the baby's first picture, picked out baby names, and dreamed of ALL things baby.  We talked about the baby daily, planned for how our life would change and thanked God for the blessing of this new life. 
Sadly, at 9 weeks, I miscarried that sweet baby. Oh how my heart ACHED, a piece of me went to heaven that day.  I had carried our baby for only 9 short weeks, but I had carried him under my heart, he was mine and the day he left for heaven he took a little bit of me with him.  (I ended up having to have a D&C and we were able to find out that our first child was a baby boy) 
From before he was conceived I had wanted him, prayed for him, loved him.  From the moment I knew he had been knit in my womb I dreamed of all he would become, I planned for a lifetime with him.

 I never met him...

Yet I knew that he had met our heavenly father, our creator.  Our baby never knew the pains of this world, but was whisked away for an eternity of glorious perfection.  I always imagine that he will meet me, his momma, at the gates of heaven someday.  I'll know it's him the moment I set my eyes upon him.
 
 Miscarriage was so hard for me to understand.  People try to console and they mean well, but comments like "it's better off because the baby was sick" aren't comforting.  I know he wasn't perfectly whole, but he was mine.  A mother doesn't stop loving her child just because something goes wrong.  While there were moments when I felt very alone,  I knew God hadn't left me.  I would wake up in the morning and want to quick close my eyes, and fall back asleep...getting out of bed would mean the heartache would smack me in the face...yet God was right there, right alongside me, collecting and counting my tears.  I didn't open up too much about the sadness that I carried.  Most of my friends were pregnant, some without even "trying" and here I was desperate for a child of my own.  I was ashamed, my body had somehow failed me, and it felt as if no one in this world could possibly understand.  My womb was empty, my heart was limping and most people probably never even knew.  I know Ryan always felt so helpless as there was simply nothing he could say that would dry my well of tears. 

The next 3 years were the hardest of my life as we struggled with infertility.  Such a hard time, sooo many tears shed, lots of unanswered questions and yet my God was there.  The one who created everything from nothing, cared about each tear that I shed. 

His grace was sufficient. 

There were moments that I felt I would drown in the "whys", 

surely the pain would suffocate me,

 the hole in my heart would clearly cause death....

 I was wrong, because my God's grace was sufficient.

It was painful and sad and sometimes torturous, but I made it…

I made it because He walked beside me.  

Job 12:10 says "In His hand is the life of every creature and the breath of all mankind"  

Hebrews 10: 35-36 reminds us "Do not throw away your confidence, it will be richly rewarded.  You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God you will receive what He has promised."

Isaiah 30:18  "And therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you; and therefore he lifts Himself up that He may have mercy on you and show loving kindness to you.  for the Lord is a God of justice.  Blessed are those who wait for Him, who expect and look and long for Him."

 God allowed those barren years for a reason.  I truly don't believe there was ever anything "wrong" that kept us from conceiving.  AFter all, we had no trouble the first time and were blessed with Madelyn while thinking we were being careful to not get pregnant.  :)
But God asked me to wait because he needed my full attention.  He needed to teach me about what it meant to truly lay down my life with my all on the altar.  He knew that once I became a mother I would worry about my children until it nearly crippled me.  Unfortunately worry comes natural to me.  He knew that He would constantly have to remind me of how I learned to trust Him with the lives of my children before they ever even came to be.  They were His before they were mine.  

Yes it was a season of waiting.  And it was in that season that God drew me near to Him.  He taught me to trust Him in a way that I had never needed to do before.  He asked me to trust Him with my dream of becoming a mother.  I'm so glad I did...

After 3 years  we were blessed with our first miracle, Collin Ryan.

 Exactly 24 months later (almost to the day) we were blessed again with our second sweet miracle Madelyn Kristine.  Madelyn was a complete surprise, but I will never say she wasn't planned because she was!  Planned by God and in His time just as her brother Collin was!!

Neither of my children came when I had planned.  Collin came much later, and Madelyn much sooner than I had expected.  But both my children were right on time not a day too early or too late!!  

John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full"

Today I have two of the most beautiful blessings that I could ever dream of.  Of all the children in this world God blessed me with the EXACT two that I wanted.

Maybe you are in a season of waiting, or maybe you know someone who is.  I won't ever forget the road God led me down on my way to motherhood, I don't ever want to forget.  But the beautiful part is that once you're on the other side you will be able to connect with other women in such a beautiful way.  You will be able to cry out to God on their behalf in a way that you wouldn't necessarily know had you not walked down this road, had you not worn and walked in these shoes.  Believe me, I know they are ugly.  They are uncomfortable.  In fact, some days they feel impossible to walk in, and they are.  So on those days, let the prayers of others carry you straight into the arms of Jesus.  Someday, God willing, you will take the shoes off.  You will trade them in for the beautiful shoes of motherhood.  One would think that the ugly shoes would see the trash can.  But you will keep them, they will be tucked away in your closet.  You will take them out from time to time, not to wear them, but to touch them, to look at them, to remember them.    

And on that long awaited day when you hold your baby for the first time, the 10th time, the 1,000th time, the 1,000,000th time, you will remember.   When you are pacing the halls with a crying baby you will be thankful that the house is filled with baby tears rather than your own.   When you scurry around the house looking for the beloved blankie that you can't leave home without, you will be reminded of God's goodness.  

I pray today that you will feel loved.  That you will feel remembered.  That you will feel carried.  

And for all of those babies that we never held, we will always remember, a mother never forgets!




A few mothers who are on my mind and in my heart today...
Mom
Amy
Becky
Selina
Katie
Renee
Dawn
Jaime
Tracy
Nicole
Holly
They may not have been perfectly whole, but they were perfectly loved and they will always matter...